Kathleen and Fred have been married for over 60 years. I’ve known Kathleen the last couple of years through the bridge community. I met Fred a couple of months ago at a small celebration of their 60th wedding anniversary. He has Parkinson’s Disease and dementia. When I met him, he said: “It was better ten years ago.” . . . a sad truth spoken out loud to a stranger.
Kathleen is an elegant and very feminine lady. Most of us dress quite casually for the weekly ACBL Thursday and Friday bridge games at the Tryon Youth Center. Not so for Kathleen. Her outfits are always carefully put together with matching jewelry, heels, purse. I’d love to have her hand-me-downs any day. She used to say that she had to dress up for bridge because one never knew what day Omar Shariff might show up.
I admired a cashmere sweater she had on not long after Christmas. When I complimented her, she said: “My husband gave me something he made himself for Christmas!” I said: “He did? What?” She said: “Money!” And, she laughed. She has this great twinkle in her eyes when she smiles and laughs. It is contagious and delightful She went on smiling to say that she bought the sweater, the jewelry she had on and still had some money left.
On Valentine’s Day, Kathleen brought me a fancy chocolate bar. She gave it to me and said: “This is a little treat because you always make me feel so special.” It was a total surprise; but, It made my day.
Kathleen’s age only shows when she walks. Otherwise, she is bright and energetic. But, Fred has been going down hill for sometime. As long as I’ve known her she has had to have a caregiver with him when she plays bridge or goes anywhere.
About a month ago, the room of ten tables of bridge got very quiet when we all of a sudden realized that Kathleen was on the floor. She didn’t fall, but had been put on the floor by an alert person at her table who realized she was in distress. A retired doctor went to her side. She was in a sweat and having trouble breathing. 911 was called. A "first responder" showed up quickly, followed by the ambulance. They worked with her on the floor for a while and then took her to the hospital. We were all concerned.
The next week she was back at bridge and said that her heart was OK, but they had discovered she had a sinus infection and a bladder infection. We were all relieved,
Two weeks ago, the room again got quiet all of a sudden and although she was still in her chair, you could see Kathleen was in distress again. Another retired doctor went to her side. When she refused to let 911 be called again, he drove her to the hospital. There was much concern and many comments about what would happen with Fred if Kathleen was sick.
When I saw her yesterday, I asked how she was and she told me she was fine . . . but, that at the encouragement of her doctor, she had to make the decision to put Fred in Ridgecrest, a small private local nursing home facility. It is near her home and she will see him daily. She said he was taking it pretty well. I could feel the mixture of the grief she feels and the relief from accepting a decision that had to be made. She is simply unable to take care of Fred at home at this point.
I’ve only recently begun to play bridge with partners other than my husband. Kathleen asked me for a bridge date over a month ago and today was our first time to play together. She was dressed in a suit with a lovely pale silk blouse. She had a fancy pin of large pink crystal beads of different shapes and sizes at the neck of her blouse with matching earrings.
We were sitting North/South and she told everyone who came to play at our table about the decision she had to make about Fred. Everyone loves Kathleen and was very encouraging that she had done the right thing. They have never been apart in over 60 years . . . an incredibly difficult decision even if one knows it has to be made.
I’m sure that the stress of needing to face this most difficult decision of her life so far contributed to the two 911 episodes.
I‘ve worked hard to learn many fancy bridge conventions. Kathleen plays a much simpler game, but she doesn’t miss a beat. She put me in one difficult contract that I struggled to figure out how to make and did. She said she could see the wheels turning in my brain and loved seeing me play the hand. I was the only one who made the contract.
She made one bad bid, but did not beat herself up about it afterwards like I tend to do. I made a mistake on one hand and her attitude was: “so what!” On to the next one.
We finished the day in third place behind two much “bigger” teams. But, spending the time playing with Kathleen meant far more to me than the points we got for the win. She was already booking her bridge dates for June today and I enthusiastically accepted when asked if I would like to play with her again.
I can only hope I might play as well when I’m her age. Even more I hope that I might become more like Kathleen and develop even a small portion of the courage and grace with which she lives her daily life.
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Posted by: Calvin Klein | December 21, 2011 at 12:26 AM